A Guest Post By David J. Schmidt
My most esteemed Ms. Snow,
This conciliatory missive may take you by surprise. I could well have responded to your re-re-rebuttal in kind, with a counter-re-re-re-rebuttal of my own, and risked further depleting the already taxed natural reserves of “re” prefixes in existence, forcing the U.S. government to drill for additional reserves of “re” in the frozen Alaskan tundra. I could have further engaged in a vicious game of one-upmanship and tit-for-tat…and what is “tat”, anyway? And why is it always exchanged for tits? Since when is “tat” something whose market value is equivalent to that of a tit?
No, I will not be presenting a rebuttal. Rather, I wish to offer you a truce. Nay, more than a truce—a true gesture of reconciliation. I propose that we join forces and write an erotic novel together, jointly.
Why, you may ask, am I extending this olive branch of peace? Where do I find the nobility of character and the inner peace needed to do so? Whence do I derive the immense soundness of mind, of soul, and of member, you may ask? I’m glad you asked that, Ms. Snow.
The other day, I sat down to re-watch one of my favorite art films, “Ernest Scared Stupid”. There is a singularly inspiring moment in the film, a turning point in the plot. [Spoiler alert, for those who haven’t seen this masterpiece by director John R. Cherry.] The hero of the tale, brave young Kenny, has just discovered the key to defeating the evil troll that has been terrorizing the community of Briarville, MO. After the troll makes an appearance at the Halloween festival, the town bully approaches Kenny. But is he about to harass Kenny once again? Oh no, Dear Reader—the bully has come to offer a truce! He has asked Kenny to join forces with him against the ancient troll Trantor!
This is always the most beautiful moment in any film or novel: the scene when former rivals join forces against a greater evil. It takes a big man to stand up against his adversary—but it takes a bigger man to swallow his pride and propose a partnership with them. And I am that bigger man.
So how about it, Ms. Snow? Shall we come together and create a co-authored erotic masterpiece?
In our case, we would be joining forces against an evil more sinister than the troll from “Ernest Scared Stupid”, more foul than the cynical movie producer in “Ernest Saves Christmas”, more menacing than the stern counselor Ross Stenis in “Ernest Goes to Camp”. Our common enemy is the shortage of erotic literature in the world. And the only way for us to combat this tragic fact is by writing more erotic literature.
In order to get the ball rolling on this collaborative project, I am presenting you some initial ideas of novels we could write together. I will look forward to receiving your notes on them.
Idea #1: “Tumblebush”
I am presenting the most spicy, controversial storyline first—I hope that, in doing so, I can lay to rest your claims that I am some sort of “prude”. I assume this judgment is based on my past involvement with the “Colorado Society for Zoological Decency”, as we campaigned to legally change the name of the peacock and the titmouse. However, you must take into consideration my wildly successful career as an erotic novelist—in addition to the fact that I have had intimate relations not one, not two, not four, but three times in my life!
The plot of “Tumblebush” is deliciously naughty in its subject matter. The heroine lives in an Old West town, and begins a romance with the gun-slinging comptroller of the hamlet. Here’s the kinky plot twist, though—they have been engaging in premarital sex! The heroine’s parents don’t approve, and society finds it twisted and immoral, but they don’t care. They are wrapped up in the throes of passion.
In order to really cement this book’s position as “controversial erotica”, I suggest that we feature several scenes which suggest that heavy petting occurs between the two young (unmarried) lovers.
Idea #2: “Protecting Temptation”
Plenty of people have written romance novels. Plenty of people have written stories about vampires. But guess what nobody has thought to do, yet? Write a romantic story involving vampires! This is a market that you and I need to corner, Ms. Snow, before anybody else takes advantage of it.
Here’s the singularly original part of it: in our novel tale, a vampire falls in love with a human. This sparks a forbidden romance that crosses the boundaries of their two worlds. Both humans and vampires are outraged by this inter-species relationship; in describing the controversy, Protecting Temptation will make a commentary on race relations and prejudice in today’s world, holding up a prophetic mirror to our real-life society.
Of course, we won’t have any scenes with a white vampire falling in love with a black human, or vice versa, or anything. We don’t want to push the envelope too much.
Idea #3: “Reluctant Robot”
This book will be set in the distant future (like the year 2020 or so) when humans are living in outer space and robots have finally been granted civil rights.
The heroine is a buxom young robot named “T-801” who is engaged to marry the man who invents the world’s first time machine. The plot takes an unexpected turn, however, when the heroine tests the time machine and travels back to the year 1968. She meets her own grandfather, who is a strapping young man at the time, and has just gotten back from the battlefields of World War II. After a night of reckless drinking and disco dancing, the two make love, just before T-801 returns to the future. Only then does she realize what she has done—she has become her own grandmother! Her one-night stand with her grandfather resulted in a pregnancy, and the child born in the past was T-801’s mother, who then gave birth to her. And it turns out, she is not a robot after all—she is a human who has just endangered the space-time continuum!
This novel will combine elements of the three motifs that have consistently occurred in all great novels throughout history: romance, plot twists, and cyborgs.
Idea #4: “Remember the Titans”
This movie will follow the events of the recent films “Clash of the Titans” and “Wrath of the Titans”, written as a third sequel in the series. Our novel, “Remember the Titans”, will be an erotic tale set in ancient Greece—land of mythological beasts, sublime poets, profound philosophers, and naked wrestling.
While I was doing some research for this book, I discovered that there is a 2000 film starring Denzel Washington which has the exact same title. I suggest that we lift most of the storyline from this film; it will save us time. We can just splice in some sensual love scenes, and maybe have a scene where the white guy comes out onto the football field and Liam Neeson shouts, “Release the cracker!”
Idea #5: “Everyone Copulates” (children’s literature)
This book may be the most important erotic novel in our entire repertoire, Ms. Snow.
With reading comprehension at an all-time low, there will be many people who will have trouble following the plot developments of a full-length chapter book, no matter how watered down it may be. I suggest we write a child-friendly book as well, mimicking the format of the famed children’s book, “Everyone Poops”. Presented as a “baby’s first erotica” type story, the basic thesis of the book will be that, indeed, everyone copulates—elephants, squirrels, llamas, dikdiks, and other animals. This book will be written with a simplistic presentation that even young children can understand.
[NOTE: I suggest that we not mention the invertebrate animals which reproduce asexually and do not, in fact, copulate. It might weaken the point we are trying to make.]
So how about it, Ms. Snow? We could really take the literary world by storm. Between your knowledge of erotic literature and my knowledge of phrenology, we would be unstoppable. The world has suffered long enough with the sub-standard excuses for “literature” written by Dostoevsky, García Márquez, Twain, Bukowsky, and the like. As the Christmas carol says, “Long lay the world, in sin and error pining”, waiting for one of our collaborative creations.
The world can wait no longer.
* * * *
David J. Schmidt is an author and wildly successful hypochondriac living in San Diego, California. His romantic novels have been described by literary critics as “‘The Notebook’ meets ‘Cannibal Holocaust’”.
Schmidt was the treasurer and president of the California Cooper’s Guild for seven consecutive years, piloting cutting edge developments in barrel-making technology. He was ejected from the C.C.G. in 2010 after surveillance footage revealed that he had been posing as a cooper the entire time, and his barrels were in fact clever forgeries.
Schmidt holds a Ph.D. in Medical Bloodletting, and has led the research in cutting-edge leech technology. He was granted the “Franz Josef Gall Award” for scientific development, and was preparing to accept a fellowship at Johns Hopkins University in 2011, when his physician informed him that he suffers from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Schmidt left San Diego for an extended sabbatical in Micronesia as a result; towards the end of his vacation, he spent an entire month living on the back of a bald man’s head, in loving memory of Lord Voldemort.
In one of his most recent creative endeavors, Schmidt has been directing a movie based on the life of Helen Keller, starring Ron Jeremy.
His novel, Pirates of the Danube, can be found here. And at the website: www.thebaroninsideyou.com
Reader’s Entertainment would like to thank both Anna Snow and David J. Schmidt for their opinions on the subject of erotica writing.
It’s very unprofessional to poke fun at someone’s work which is what Mr. Schmidt has done here. I can see he’s eat trying to rattle may cage for whatever reason, perhaps he needs fans for that wildly popular book of his which is siting around the sales rank of about nine million on amazon (a long way from number one) or just wants a little attention. Either way I will not grant him the satisfaction nor would I ever work with him. As far as I’m concerned, Mr. Schmidt doesn’t even exist and my correspondence with him on this blog and anywhere else is at an end.
A rebuttal would have been a better idea. This makes you sound more like a little boy who didn’t get his way on the playground because not enough people took his side. Children’s book may be a good idea for you to write if this is how you act on a daily basis. Perhaps you can write a book on acting like a child your entire life. Healthy debates are good for society. Poking fun at someone or what they do, makes you look like a school yard bully.
I’m sorry to all the men named David J. Schmidt or David Schmidt or any form of that name who write because I will always think it could be this person. I have no interest in further reading of material from someone who puts his adult clothes on every day but acts like a 7 year old boy.
I didn’t find this post funny at all. It seemed sarcastic, rude…but I think that was the point. To be rude, or not to be? That is the question. There was not even a tone of sincerity. Perhaps, he is trying to make a name for himself by attaching his name to Miss Snow’s? hum.
My thoughts exactly, Janell.
So I see Mr. Schmidt likes to make fun of others. Well Mr. Schmidt someone should have told you how unflattering that photo is of you. Want to make fun of people’s writing well I checked out your book and have to say I couldn’t get past the first page. Not only did the cover make me want to hurl. but in no way can you think that book is even worth the money. I seriously regret even spending my hard earned money on such crappy (not even worth calling literature) writing. So don’t attack others just because you can’t write.
The most fantastic return Mr. Schmidt! But unfortunately it looks like the lack of use of the sarcasm font once again foiled the esteemed lady author lol Oh my, how detrimental that she won’t work with you, how ever will the world survive!!?!
Ps Ms Snow, it was you, not him, that began this, why won’t you help those who are sarcasm-font impaired & collaborate? Your feminism is clearly so desperately needed that you felt the need to criticize his work to begin with, where is your fervor now? And when there are re-re-re-rebuttals, I think having fun with it at this point is more than appropriate. Though your pedestal may be high (where do your books rank on amazon dear?) at least we know when to laugh!
Wow … you extend an Olive Branch and then move on to poke fun at the titles and natures of her books? Anna, the world is full of leeches trying to suck the life out of your creativity, time, and efforts. How about we break out the salt and dry this leech up?
Sounds like a plan!
Careful Anna and Miranda, he looks like the kind of guy that drinks a lot of tequila and cheep beer, so adding salt might just help him imbibe his devil juice more easily.
Yes, I agree with the comments, although this man (whose name I’ve already forgotten for obvious reasons) doesn’t deserve any. It was silly, rude and a bad show of his lack of intelligence and taste. I seriously hope for him this isn’t his usual persona. In either case, he’s got a big problem. Writing is serious business and it goes hand in hand with respect. Having said that I can only say to Anna Snow that she had handled the fool well.
Thanks for your support, ladies! 🙂
I was asked if I’d like to write a rebuttal the his first asinine post, and so I did.
If anyone here is putting themselves on a pedestal it’s Mr. Schmidt, which is exactly who I believe you are “Eve”.
My amazon rankings are not in question as I NEVER bragged/lied about my “wildly popular” books as Mr. Schmidt did. Now, as I told Schmidt this morning when he proceeded to email me until I had to list him as spam, I have nothing further to say to you, so go ahead, continue to make yourself look like the a** you are, because I’m finished with you.
Dear esteemed writer-lady,
Please feel free to google “Eve Batelle” and then email me at any of my profiles or emails to confirm that I, in truth, am very much real and can only aspire to be as beautiful as Mr. Schmidt. Oh, the childhood memories he & I share… And I’m sure you will have some FANTABULOUS little words of wisdom and critiques once you see what it is that I do *wink wink* Of course, unless you would like to join me and liberate those tightly wadded panties! I promise, it’s extremely liberating! Offer stands malady. Your move.
~Eve Batelle
Dear David,
You can take the olive branch that you extended to Anna Snow, and shove it where the sun don’t shine! And before you find that a turn-on or erotic, I mean shove it up your nose and into the brain – or the place where your brain should rest, but doesn’t. After all, after reading what you wrote to my friend, I came to the conclusion that you don’t have a brain! Your photo, BTW, is awful! You look like a sleazy, greasy pimp – or just someone who thinks this pose will get you laid. In fact, you should lay off the beer – you’ve got quite a beer belly there – SO NOT SEXY!!! And your bio?…Sudden Infant Death Syndrome – that would mean you died when you were a baby. Whomever you are, you are a pig! Don’t let that olive branch blind you when you stick it up your nose and into your brainless cavity!
Good point about the SIDS, there’s definitely no way he could have that. I’m starting to suspect that some of the other items in his bio might not be true too.
Fact of the matter is, the man is a fiend. You can totally tell just by looking at his photos! I don’t think he could have picked less attractive pictures if he tried.
Well seems to me Mr.Schmidt that you are the one stirring up the trouble. I love Ms. Snow’s books. I think she really puts herself out there for her fans. She listens to what we like and want and actually captivates that. I have read every single book she has written and every time I am always ready for more. Maybe the reason you are poking fun is because you don’t have many fans.. hmmmm
I find it ironically amusing that Ms. Snow would refuse to have anything more to do with the issue and with Mr. Schmidt, only to comment an additional four times on the matter. However, I also find it amusing that others would have the time and inclination to spend tossing about banter and replies. Yet here I am doing the same; and that’s what you call ironic…Regardless, I must disagree with Anna’s criticism of the author’s photo. This is perhaps the sexiest specimen of manhood I have witnessed, and could only be improved upon with a mullet and wife beater. If Ms. Snow does not care for the picture, perhaps she should spend more attention studying the impressive and humble biography depicting the amazing travels and experiences Mr. Schmidt has been through. Or perhaps she should pay more attention to her own grammar and punctuation. As per the name, it is an unfortunately common one shared by all from aboriginal tribal leaders to the crowned president of Micronesia himself. So Denise H. will be eliminating many from her potential library. But perhaps this is what comes of a world deprived of true quality erotica literature. Best of luck to you Mr. Schmidt, or whoever you may truly be…
Wow. Mr. Schmidt. I’m surprised this Snow lady doesn’t know the meaning of satire. I mean, she just keeps biting at the bait. I’ve enjoyed your obviously satirical remarks about Ms. Snow and the whole erotic genre in general. I would think that, especially for someone who enjoys this type of literature and is an “expert” at it all, she would appreciate a little humor. It’s all about tolerance for different lifestyles after all. I’m just disappointed none of these novel ideas will come to fruition if she does not collaborate with you. I was especially looking forward to the children’s book, so I could introduce my 2 year old to the wonderful world of erotica.
Excuse me “Flower”, but literature is for serious ideas, not for frivolity and so called humor. “Satire” as you call it, has never had a place in literature, and never will. If I learned one thing from the creative writing classes I took, it’s that authors should not try to “push the envelope” because only strictly adhering to tradition will produce any notable works. I’m absolutely terrified of the possible future if we start letting “authors” like Mr. Schmidt have fun with writing about topics as serious as sex.
And while I too would like to see more erotica writing for children, I hope Mr. Schmidt doesn’t have anything to do with it. I don’t even want to think about youths approaching literature (especially erotic fiction) with the idea that it’s acceptable to have fun with it or to play fast and loose with genre traditions. That’s certainly not how I will raise my children.
Ohmigod, I totally agree with Anna Snow and the other comments. This guy is so NOT a successful erotica writer…so why would he say that he is? Also, why would he post such a horrible photo of himself, and act like it’s a good picture?
And while I’m on the subject, what is up with Jonathan Swift guy from the 1700’s, and his essay, “A Modest Proposal”? Why on EARTH would he suggest that we eat the children of the poor as a solution to poverty? That’s a horrible idea!
Also, I read somewhere that these things were “satirical”…what does this weird word “satirical” mean, anywayz?
brilliant
Okay, hold on here. I read the original post and the rebuttals, and I’m still confused by most of the comments. We can see that Anna Snow doesn’t understand the nature of Mr. Schmidt’s original blog post, but how on earth have so many others failed to see it too? Is satire that difficult to comprehend?
I can’t tell if Amanda Brooks is smart and playing along or if she is just as literarily blind as Ms. Snow! Does she really believe Mr. Schmidt’s photo and bio are serious, or is she going along with the joke? I don’t know, but I have a sense that no one gets it… this whole thing is making me lose faith in the reader community. I am laughing and crying at the same time.
Thanks for getting it, High Heels. And to answer your question–it is the former, not the latter. I was, indeed, playing along.
Although I do still have my doubts about Jonathan Swift. Was he, like, serious about eating kids and junk? Or was he, like, joking about it? Why couldn’t he just, like, use the “sarcasm font”?? Oh emm gee!
Whoops, my bad…I didn’t read your comment carefully enough, and thought you’d said “I can’t tell if Ashley is smart…” I guess that’s what happens with the disjointed communication that the internet brings us.
I hope to God that Amanda Brooks is playing along…I am terrified at the thought that we live in a world where people can’t figure out that you can’t actually have SIDS as an adult.
It’s Amanda A. Brooks – I really wish that people would not leave out the middle A. – and I was playing along. Reading his comments, I had to reread them several times, and then realized that he was not serious. Still, this guy is a jerk and a pig! I’m glad that I got some responses from my post. I just can’t tell if you’re on his side or Anna Snow’s side.
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